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For your mid-afternoon slump: Michael Stagliano is lucky in love.

Remember this sad face from Bachelor Pad?

sadface

Well you can bet it’s back because Michael Stagliano is officially engaged. I would say he’s officially off the market, but we all saw what happened to his first engagement, so hang in there, Rachel. All is not lost.

I found out about the engagement last week during my routine Instagram stalking when I came across this post from Michael.

photo 1

Way to hash tag the name of your tour on your engagement announcement. Nothing screams romance like self-promotion.

So these two started dating right before he left to go on Bachelor Pad. Which means that early in their relationship, Michael was jamming his tongue down someone else’s throat.

tongue

Oh, and not just Rachel.

literallydonna

But I guess this one doesn’t count because he was just making Donna’s dreams come true.

Look, I’m not saying he’s rushing into things with his new fiancee, but I’m pretty sure that if I saw my fiance making out with someone else on national television less than a year before he proposed, it might give me a little pause. Although, in fairness to his fiancee, I would be having reservations about marrying him in general, so maybe I’m not the best measuring stick. And they ARE super in love according to her Instagram caption of this picture:

ring on it

Emily wrote, “If one picture could define our relationship, this might be it! Goofy, madly in love, and having fun every second! I love you, @michaelstag!” Are they literally having fun every second? Because, if so, that seems like a lot of fun. Michael also posted a close-up of the ring for us.

photo 3

I guess unfunny people will never let go of “put a ring on it.” Thanks, unfunny people of the world, for ruining that song for me. I can’t tell if the ring is legit huge, or if it’s an optical illusion. Can being a fake rockstar really make you that much money? Maybe he’s bringing in the big bucks with merchandise sales thanks to people like my sister, who bought me these for Christmas:

stagswag

Guess she didn’t feel like splurging for the t-shirt so I could get a personal thank-you/love note from Michael. 

Well, good luck to you Michael. I hope this one works out better for you because everyone deserves true love. Even people who take douchey pictures like this.

ugh

And if it doesn’t, I’m sure Rachel will welcome you back with open arms.

sadz


For your mid-afternoon slump: Lea Michele annoys me.

sing it sister

I’m not a particularly big fan of Lea Michele. I’m not really sure why, but she has annoyed me from the start. It’s a fairly irrational hatred. I mean, I don’t even watch Glee. If I had to put it into words, I think it has something to do with her level of (over)confidence and the fact that she is trying too hard. (Yes, it’s a fact.) Also, I heard she is a diva. And not the awesome Mariah Carey kind of diva, but the “I’m a super big b*tch and have lost sight of the fact that I’m an average looking theater geek” kind of diva.

So when I discovered that she showed up to the SAG awards last night with this hair disaster, I was obviously annoyed. 

ombre fail

There she goes again — trying too hard. I mean, THIS is what successful ombre looks like.

ombre success

But she had to show everyone how edgy she is and that she can do ombre bigger and better than everyone else. Well, guess what, Lea Michele — you failed. It looks like you dipped your hair in a bowl of peroxide and left it in there too long. And then when you finally took it out, your makeup artist tried to overcompensate by drawing in the biggest eyebrows in the world to take attention away from your hair. Don’t get me wrong, it worked for a minute, but at the end of the day, no amount of eyebrows or uneven bangs can hide the fact that your hair is a dumpster fire.


For your mid-afternoon slump: Sean is racy.

Umm, why was this picture taken?

why

It’s making me really uncomfortable.


For your mid-afternoon slump: Sean’s journey is about to begin.

TONGUE

Sean’s season premieres tonight, and while I’m not the hugest Sean fan, I’m excited for another season of the Bachelor because, well, I live for this sh*t. If I had to guess, here are a few things I think we can count on ABC highlighting for us tonight:

1. Sean is sincere. He’s there for the right reasons. He’s hoping everyone else is there for the right reasons too.

2. Sean is ready to find a wife. He’s hoping the process works for him. He knows it can work because he fell in love last time. He’s excited for the journey.

3. Sean loves kids. ZOMG look at him playing with his niece and nephew! Family is super important to him.

kewt in the pewl

4. Sean loves Jesus, and his wife better love Jesus too.

5. Sean has big muscles.

Sean2-200x300

Indeed he does.

If you’re interested in playing a drinking game, here are some suggested words/phrases to drink on.

– journey

– process

– faith (double whammy – both in the process AND his faith in God!)

– right reasons

– fairy tale

– connection (Thanks to a helpful commenter – can’t believe I initially forgot this one.)

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for how sloppy drunk you get it if you actually drink each time these words/phrases are said. Oh, speaking of drinking too much, drink every time someone cries.


For your mid-afternoon slump: J Lo is elegant.

Not a whole lot of news today other than the fact that Kim K. was seen going to the gym and drinking water. Yes, that was a legitimate article that, sadly, I read. In the absence of anything breaking to discuss, I thought I would take this time to rage on J Lo for a bit. She recently gave an interview to Harper’s Bazaar where she said a whole bunch of dumb sh*t.

j lo cover

I don’t feel like celebs get called out enough for all of the dumb sh*t they say, which I guess is good because it gives me a purpose in life.  So here’s one line from the J Lo interview that really annoyed me.

“I make [travel] as simple and as beautiful as I can because my life is kind of big. So I pack my luggage, or dress myself, or comb my kids’ hair, pick up their clothes — that makes our life beautiful, you know? There’s something very elegant in that.”

What does that even MEAN? Packing your own suitcase makes your life beautiful? Dressing yourself is noteworthy? Cleaning up after your kids is beautiful? And all of that is very elegant? Whaaat?? Since when is cleaning up after your kids an “elegant” thing to do? You know who says stuff like that? People who never actually have to clean up after their kids. Or, in other words, people who are not “on the block.” This b*tch is so out of touch that it’s not even funny. (Sorry for all the expletives in this post. I’ve been sick for over a week now, and it’s making me even more cranky than usual.)

Another thing that annoyed me in the interview was that when she was asked about her style, J Lo said she sometimes channels Jackie O. Oh sure, because when I think of beauty and grace, J Lo is the first name that pops into my head. Hey Jenny, I don’t think you can declare that you channel Jackie O when you are best known for wearing a see-through shower curtain that barely contained your tatas.

shower curtain

You know what that dress was not? Elegant. You know, elegant like cleaning the house and stuff.


For your mid-afternoon slump: I have a few questions.

wedding

I finally caught up on Ashley and JP’s wedding last night. They seem genuinely in love, and I’m just glad to see they are doing the same kind of down to earth, every day things that Husband and I do, like drinking wine in deserted fields and making out in rowboats. Plus, I can’t even count the number of times I’ve had Husband’s face manicured on my fingers. I don’t have a whole lot to make fun of because I really like them, but I would like to say that I would be SUPER pissed if my friend left her bachelorette party to go ice skating with her fiance. Uhh I’m glad I flew out here to celebrate your final hurrah as a “single” lady so you could go french your fiance at a private ice rink. Party foul, Ash.

In other Bachelorette news, Emily and Jef have been spending some time together recently, and I REALLY don’t know what to think about it. So, they went out to dinner last week in Charlotte, and I didn’t report it because (1) I’ve been pretty lazy in my blogging lately, and (2) I didn’t think there was anything to it. After all, Jef was hanging out with this chick (Katianna Bear) at the San Diego Zoo the other weekend.

katiana bear zoo jef zoo

(Through my intense stalking, I determined that those loving arms around Jef belong to Arie.)

But THEN some rando on Twitter reported that she saw Jef and Emily yesterday at a mall in Charlotte (again with the mall?), and they were HOLDING HANDS. So now I’m all, what’s going on? Is this just a publicity stunt? Are they getting back together? Do they not actually hate each other? Is Katianna upset by this? What does Arie think of this? Should I get a life? Obviously a lot of things to think about.

And for my readers who don’t care about the Bachelorette, here’s a little something for you. Kim K. posted the Kardashian family Christmas card on her website.

kardashian christmas card

This picture raises a few questions for me. (I’m very inquisitive today.) Why is Rob holding headphones? Is he supposed to be DJing the Christmas picture party? Did Kim not have time to wash her hair? Why does Scott hate socks? Where’s Kanye? Is Mason ever going to get a hair cut? And perhaps most importantly, is that Kim’s dead cat in the white cube??


For your mid-afternoon slump: Happy Birthday, Taylor Swift.

Today’s favorite search that led a reader to The Morning After is “i want to like angelina but she annoys me.” First of all, why do you want to like her? Just embrace your feelings of dislike. Second of all, since when do people enter their feelings into the Google search bar? I can just imagine the various searches I would run. “I wish I didn’t always eat when I was bored.” “Cheese tastes good.” “I don’t understand why Taylor Swift wears such ugly shoes.” Speaking of Taylor Swift, HaPpY bIrThDaY, gUrLiE!

crazypants

Taylor is 23 today, which means she is now even creepier for dating 18 year-olds. If Taylor and I were friends and I gave her a birthday card, here is what I would write inside:

hello kitty

Tay [I would obvi have a nickname for her.],

Happy 23rd, girl! [She would know I only use “girl” ironically.] Hope your day is full of sunshine and happiness. [Or some variation on those well wishes.] For your 23rd year, I wish you the best and hope that you are able to develop a stronger sense of self worth so that your self esteem isn’t caught up in whatever guy you are dating at the time. I know you worry about your questionable judgment, and, girl, I would too if I dated John Mayer and wore half the crap you do, but hang in there. You have a lot of money, and I’m confident that leads to extreme happiness. I secretly love “I Knew You Were Trouble” and am, thus, secretly excited about the fact that one of my friends gave me your c.d. as a present to mess with me. Let’s figure out a way to cure your crazy this year, and I just know it will be your best one yet!

Love,

Bubbles [She’s so silly; I can’t even remember where this nickname came from!]