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For your mid-afternoon slump: Lea Michele annoys me.

sing it sister

I’m not a particularly big fan of Lea Michele. I’m not really sure why, but she has annoyed me from the start. It’s a fairly irrational hatred. I mean, I don’t even watch Glee. If I had to put it into words, I think it has something to do with her level of (over)confidence and the fact that she is trying too hard. (Yes, it’s a fact.) Also, I heard she is a diva. And not the awesome Mariah Carey kind of diva, but the “I’m a super big b*tch and have lost sight of the fact that I’m an average looking theater geek” kind of diva.

So when I discovered that she showed up to the SAG awards last night with this hair disaster, I was obviously annoyed. 

ombre fail

There she goes again — trying too hard. I mean, THIS is what successful ombre looks like.

ombre success

But she had to show everyone how edgy she is and that she can do ombre bigger and better than everyone else. Well, guess what, Lea Michele — you failed. It looks like you dipped your hair in a bowl of peroxide and left it in there too long. And then when you finally took it out, your makeup artist tried to overcompensate by drawing in the biggest eyebrows in the world to take attention away from your hair. Don’t get me wrong, it worked for a minute, but at the end of the day, no amount of eyebrows or uneven bangs can hide the fact that your hair is a dumpster fire.


The Last Song

last song

I watched The Last Song on Saturday evening. I don’t exactly know how it happened. I’m also not exactly sure how I got so emotionally invested in it. I mean, one minute I am mocking Miley’s inability to make more than two different facial expressions, and the next minute Greg Kinnear’s heartbreaking performance as her cancer stricken father has me bawling my eyes out. (I didn’t realize it was a Nicholas Sparks book turned movie until it was too late.) I’m talking legit, ugly cry bawling. Husband reached out to comfort me and I shook his hand off and sobbed, “Leave me alone. I just need to be alone.” As the final credits started rolling, a preview for The Notebook came on, and Husband couldn’t change the channel fast enough. Before I could comment on the channel change, he reminded me of the time we were flying back from Paris and I watched someone else watch the Notebook on their laptop and started openly weeping. Gets me every time.

I have a new appreciation for Liam Hemsworth after watching his shirtless work in The Last Song.

abs

Miley, on the other hand, yikes. I didn’t realize how pronounced her snaggletooth was until watching her in action.

snaggle

There was so much Miley angry face in this movie.

angryface angryface1 angryface2 angryface3

I could barely handle it. And if I had one criticism for Liam, it would be his eyebrows. The contrast between the brown brows and blonde hair was a little overwhelming at times.

brows

But overall, he was the real winner in this movie. I mean, he got to showcase his abs, and he walked away with this prize.

ouch

Although, in fairness to him, she had a lot more hair when they started dating.

Speaking of Miley, she got a new puppy last week, and I want to eat it.

bean

The puppy’s name is Bean, and she is a chihuahua mix. And as I said, I want to eat her. (I have a problem expressing how cute I think things are absent proclaiming my intense desire to eat them.) I’ll be back this afternoon with a preview of The Bachelor premiere tonight! (Unless I get busy and don’t post. Tbd.)


For your mid-afternoon slump: J Lo is elegant.

Not a whole lot of news today other than the fact that Kim K. was seen going to the gym and drinking water. Yes, that was a legitimate article that, sadly, I read. In the absence of anything breaking to discuss, I thought I would take this time to rage on J Lo for a bit. She recently gave an interview to Harper’s Bazaar where she said a whole bunch of dumb sh*t.

j lo cover

I don’t feel like celebs get called out enough for all of the dumb sh*t they say, which I guess is good because it gives me a purpose in life.  So here’s one line from the J Lo interview that really annoyed me.

“I make [travel] as simple and as beautiful as I can because my life is kind of big. So I pack my luggage, or dress myself, or comb my kids’ hair, pick up their clothes — that makes our life beautiful, you know? There’s something very elegant in that.”

What does that even MEAN? Packing your own suitcase makes your life beautiful? Dressing yourself is noteworthy? Cleaning up after your kids is beautiful? And all of that is very elegant? Whaaat?? Since when is cleaning up after your kids an “elegant” thing to do? You know who says stuff like that? People who never actually have to clean up after their kids. Or, in other words, people who are not “on the block.” This b*tch is so out of touch that it’s not even funny. (Sorry for all the expletives in this post. I’ve been sick for over a week now, and it’s making me even more cranky than usual.)

Another thing that annoyed me in the interview was that when she was asked about her style, J Lo said she sometimes channels Jackie O. Oh sure, because when I think of beauty and grace, J Lo is the first name that pops into my head. Hey Jenny, I don’t think you can declare that you channel Jackie O when you are best known for wearing a see-through shower curtain that barely contained your tatas.

shower curtain

You know what that dress was not? Elegant. You know, elegant like cleaning the house and stuff.


Birth of a New Year

Happy new year, readers. For the next month you’ll be forced to fake smile every time someone writes the date and then says, “oops I wrote 2012 – can you believe it’s 2013 already?!” Who said there’s nothing to look forward to once the holidays are over?

RIP

By now you all know that Kim Kardashian is pregnant. Makes sense. I mean, first Kanye gave Kim a kitten, but she had to give it away because she didn’t have enough time to take care of it. So instead, Kanye gave Kim a kid because we all know that kids are much less time consuming than cats.

Kim hosted a NYE party in Vegas on Monday night, where she talked to reporters about her pregnancy. “When people say pregnancy is fun and they love it, I would have to disagree,” she said. “It’s not as easy as people think. It is, you know, a little painful. There’s a lot of growing pains.” If there’s one thing I’m always hearing about pregnancy, it’s that it’s super fun, so I’m glad Kim cleared that misconception up for me. Kim also said, “I think from this stage on it does become easier and funner. I heard it’s all worth it, so I’m looking forward to that, and I’m excited.” Yeah, I heard it’s funner too, so this next stage should be great.

We are less than a week into knowing about Kim’s pregnancy, and I already want to gouge my eyeballs out to avoid reading any more stories about it. I don’t want to read about Kim’s maternity style, her plans for the baby’s room, Khloe’s jealousy over the pregnancy, Kanye’s plans to propose once her divorce is finalized, blah blah blah. Speaking of maternity style, this is what Kim wore to the NYE bash on Monday:

Kim Kardashian Hosts The New Year's Eve Countdown At 1 OAK Nightclub At The Mirage In Las Vegas

Klassy. She doesn’t appear to be showing yet, but I’m still holding out hope that her bump will exceed the size of her a**, as difficult as that may be. Now that she and Jessica Simpson are pregnant at the same time, it looks like they will get to fight it out for the biggest bump award. Although, based on the picture Jessica tweeted of her bump over the weekend, I would say Jessica is leading by a long shot.

bump

Not to raise the ire of my pregnant readers, but doesn’t calling it a “bump” seem generous given the fact that it looks like it is housing a full-grown baby? (I would resolve to be nicer in the new year, but we all know that isn’t going to happen so why even bother setting unrealistic expectations in the first place.)


For your mid-afternoon slump: I have a few questions.

wedding

I finally caught up on Ashley and JP’s wedding last night. They seem genuinely in love, and I’m just glad to see they are doing the same kind of down to earth, every day things that Husband and I do, like drinking wine in deserted fields and making out in rowboats. Plus, I can’t even count the number of times I’ve had Husband’s face manicured on my fingers. I don’t have a whole lot to make fun of because I really like them, but I would like to say that I would be SUPER pissed if my friend left her bachelorette party to go ice skating with her fiance. Uhh I’m glad I flew out here to celebrate your final hurrah as a “single” lady so you could go french your fiance at a private ice rink. Party foul, Ash.

In other Bachelorette news, Emily and Jef have been spending some time together recently, and I REALLY don’t know what to think about it. So, they went out to dinner last week in Charlotte, and I didn’t report it because (1) I’ve been pretty lazy in my blogging lately, and (2) I didn’t think there was anything to it. After all, Jef was hanging out with this chick (Katianna Bear) at the San Diego Zoo the other weekend.

katiana bear zoo jef zoo

(Through my intense stalking, I determined that those loving arms around Jef belong to Arie.)

But THEN some rando on Twitter reported that she saw Jef and Emily yesterday at a mall in Charlotte (again with the mall?), and they were HOLDING HANDS. So now I’m all, what’s going on? Is this just a publicity stunt? Are they getting back together? Do they not actually hate each other? Is Katianna upset by this? What does Arie think of this? Should I get a life? Obviously a lot of things to think about.

And for my readers who don’t care about the Bachelorette, here’s a little something for you. Kim K. posted the Kardashian family Christmas card on her website.

kardashian christmas card

This picture raises a few questions for me. (I’m very inquisitive today.) Why is Rob holding headphones? Is he supposed to be DJing the Christmas picture party? Did Kim not have time to wash her hair? Why does Scott hate socks? Where’s Kanye? Is Mason ever going to get a hair cut? And perhaps most importantly, is that Kim’s dead cat in the white cube??


For your mid-afternoon slump: Happy Birthday, Taylor Swift.

Today’s favorite search that led a reader to The Morning After is “i want to like angelina but she annoys me.” First of all, why do you want to like her? Just embrace your feelings of dislike. Second of all, since when do people enter their feelings into the Google search bar? I can just imagine the various searches I would run. “I wish I didn’t always eat when I was bored.” “Cheese tastes good.” “I don’t understand why Taylor Swift wears such ugly shoes.” Speaking of Taylor Swift, HaPpY bIrThDaY, gUrLiE!

crazypants

Taylor is 23 today, which means she is now even creepier for dating 18 year-olds. If Taylor and I were friends and I gave her a birthday card, here is what I would write inside:

hello kitty

Tay [I would obvi have a nickname for her.],

Happy 23rd, girl! [She would know I only use “girl” ironically.] Hope your day is full of sunshine and happiness. [Or some variation on those well wishes.] For your 23rd year, I wish you the best and hope that you are able to develop a stronger sense of self worth so that your self esteem isn’t caught up in whatever guy you are dating at the time. I know you worry about your questionable judgment, and, girl, I would too if I dated John Mayer and wore half the crap you do, but hang in there. You have a lot of money, and I’m confident that leads to extreme happiness. I secretly love “I Knew You Were Trouble” and am, thus, secretly excited about the fact that one of my friends gave me your c.d. as a present to mess with me. Let’s figure out a way to cure your crazy this year, and I just know it will be your best one yet!

Love,

Bubbles [She’s so silly; I can’t even remember where this nickname came from!]


I’m sorry, Megan Fox.

perfect

I would like to issue an apology to Megan Fox for making fun of her when she was pregnant and bloated. I assumed she was a smug pregnant person like Gisele who would brag about her peaceful water birth, so I took joy when she was looking less than perfect. But it turns out I was wrong about her, and I’m big enough of a person to admit it. (Now my sister will e-mail me to make a joke about how big of a person I literally am.) According to US Weekly, Megan said this about her delivery:

“I was screaming for an epidural when Brian was driving me to the hospital because my water broke on its own,” the actress recalled. “It was level orange alert pain.” She added, “It hurts so bad. It was so intense. And I thought I was gonna be really tough and make it, I was gonna labor to like 8 cm . . . but the first contraction that I got was horrific!”

So it turns out Megan is at least somewhat down to earth. And she is gorgeous. And she is married to David Silver. You win this round, Megan Fox.