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Bachelor Sean Ep. 7: Don’t let them take your sparkle.

I guess I was playing pretty hard to get with last week’s recap. Since there is a new episode tonight, looks like I am getting it in right under the wire. Consider it a refresher of where we stand going into this week’s hometown dates.

The episode begins with Sean telling us that he is feeling more optimistic than ever about finding his wife. Great for him. Although, given the fact that a Bachelor has never married the woman he chose, that optimism might be a little misplaced. Everyone arrives in St. Croix and checks out their new digs for the week. Tierra decides that she hates the girls so much that she would rather sleep on a cot than with one of the other girls. Way to not draw negative attention to yourself, girl.

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AshLee gets the first one-on-one, and I’m pretty sure Tierra is brainstorming ways to make AshLee’s death look accidental. 

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AshLee meets Sean on the beach and drones on about her abandonment issues. Sean loves needy, damaged girls, so he eats it right up. Then he eats her face. They roll around on the beach for awhile, and I don’t even want to think about how much sand they had to clean out of their bathing suits after that.

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Back at the house, Tierra finds out she is going on the next one-on-one, and she and Sean will be exploring the streets of St. Croix. She immediately starts freaking out and worrying that she is going to be attacked by bugs and that her makeup is going to drip off. She says she would have much preferred to go boating. Well then maybe you should have said you were scared of boats in your contestant questionnaire.

AshLee and Sean head to dinner, and AshLee reveals that she got married in high school when she was 17 because she was fighting with her mom. Sean’s all, uhhh that’s cool, and I’m thinking she’s lucky she has a nice rack because that probably helped the news go over a little better than it would have otherwise. Then, in one of the most cringeworthy moments in the episode, she stands on a chair and yells “HELLO ST. CROIX!” and “I LOVE SEAN!” I buried my head in my hands during the last one. It’s like if I’m not looking, the awkwardness isn’t happening.

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Sean picks Tierra up the next day for her date, and they hit the mean streets of St. Croix. Sean buys Tierra some junky jewelry, and Tierra says that Sean bought her some of the most incredible things someone could buy on their first date. Uhh I mean, I guess your shell necklace was cool, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that people have gotten way more incredible things. Like any other kind of necklace. Or anything else really. They wander around town for awhile, and Tierra tries to pretend she is the kind of girl who can have fun at an impromptu street carnival.

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She’s not.

Later, at dinner, she feels a weird vibe from Sean, so she decides the best thing to do is drop the L bomb.

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Because nothing makes a guy who has doubts about you like you more than you saying the L-word excessively early in the relationship.

Sean arrives the next morning to pick up Catherine, Des and Lindsay for the group date and thinks it’s a cool idea to take pictures of them when they first wake up. They watch the sun rise on the eastern side of the island, and then Sean flips out and is like, OMG we need to get to the other side of the island to see the sunset STAT!

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I looked on Wikipedia, and it says St. Croix is only 28 miles across, so I’m pretty sure there was no need to hustle back to the Jeep to catch the sunset. They somehow make the 28 mile drive last for an eternity, and they arrive on the western side of the island right before sunset. And Lindsay is looking rough.

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Sure, she’d been up and in the sun since 5 am, but she annoys me, so I’m not going to cut her any slack. She talks to Sean, and he’s like, gurl it’s so crazy that you’ve come so far since the first night when you showed up in a wedding dress. And she’s like, omg I know; let’s suck face. Then he talks to Catherine, and she reveals that her dad tried to commit suicide when she was younger, so he’s not going to be able to make the hometown date. I don’t see why it was necessary to tell Sean that story right then, but she’d already told the tree crushing story on her last date, so I guess she decided pull out the big guns on the group date. Then Sean talks to Des, and she is so excited for him to meet her family that she cries about it. I was fairly confident Catherine was going to get the rose since she told the saddest story, but in a surprise twist, Sean gives the rose to Lindsay.

Lesley gets the final date of the week, and she’s super excited to see Sean. She tells us that she’s known him for awhile now, and it’s just funny how he can still make her nervous. (I guess awhile = a few weeks in Lesley’s world?) They walk around ruins or something boring like that, and Sean finally notices that Lesley is horrible at eye contact.

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Lesley has an internal struggle all day over whether to tell him she loves him but ultimately decides not to. Probably for the best. I don’t really have anything else to say about their boring date.

Sean’s sister shows up on St. Croix because it’s her birthday, and she wanted to see Sean.

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He’s pumped to see her, so they sit down for a little heart to heart. Sean tells his sister that he could see the possibility of marriage with all of the remaining girls, but not one stands out. Well at least he isn’t considering proposing to someone in a few weeks. Then he tells her about the Tierra drama, and she’s all, what’s the one thing I told you before you left? And he’s all, don’t pick the girl no one likes? And she’s all, uh yeah. So Sean’s all, well let me go get her so you can meet her.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, AshLee and Tierra are fighting it out because Tierra found out AshLee talked smack about Tierra on her date and she’s all, oh no you didn’t. Tierra tells AshLee that girls are jealous because guys always love her, and she doesn’t need to sabotage someone else’s relationship to build hers up.

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Then she admits she has no control over her eyebrows or facial expressions, so she can’t be held responsible for the horrible looks she gives people. Best Tierra line from the fight? “My parents told me before I left, ‘Tierra, you have a sparkle, don’t let them take away that sparkle.'” Yeah girl, don’t let them take your sparkle. By the way, your forehead dent is out of control.

Sean arrives right after the fight breaks up, and Tierra is a total mess.

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Sean is like, get it together girl, I want you to meet someone, but Tierra CANNOT pull herself together. Sean realizes what an ugly crier Tierra is, so he decides to send her home. Or something along those lines. GOOD RIDDANCE.

At the rose ceremony, Lesley is sent home, which is no big surprise to the viewers. It must have come as a total shock to Catherine though because she has a total meltdown. She feels like Sean had more in common with Lesley and her beliefs are shattered or something random like that. I didn’t totally follow that whole breakdown, but suffice it to say, she was sad Lesley left.

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Hometown dates tonight, and you know what that means — Sean gets to ask a bunch of fathers for permission to marry their daughters after meeting them once for a couple of hours. Sh*t is getting real.


Bachelor Sean Ep. 6: Canada looks cold.


yes please

Good thing I stocked up on wine over the weekend because last night was the second episode of Bachelor this week. I’m not sure why there were two in one week, but I’m definitely not complaining. Sean and the ladies head to Canada, where Sean hopes to shake off the Montana blues. The date card arrives, and Catherine, Daniella, and Tierra are the only ones who haven’t had a 1-on-1 date yet, so they are waiting with nervous anticipation to find out who is getting the first 1-on-1 of the week. Catherine gets the date, and Daniella is devastated. Or drunk. (Probably a mix of both.) She informs us that she is literally the only one who hasn’t spent an extended period of time with Sean. Sad for her, but on a bright note, this is literally the first time this season she has used the word literally correctly.

Catherine and her ginormous hoop earrings wait for Sean in the middle of a blizzard because Sean wants to put her through the “blizzard test.” I have no idea what that is, but I do know this — it sounds horrible, and I would probably fail that test. Luckily for Catherine, she oozes fake excitement, so when Sean arrives in some sort of snow bus and hands her a snow suit, she acts like it’s the best thing that has ever happened. Catherine boards the bus, and the two play with the intercom system and pretend they are super witty and entertaining.

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They arrive somewhere else in the blizzard and frolic in the snow, and all I can think about is the fact that the snow really does not agree with Sean’s hair/eyebrows.

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Get him to a tropical destination, stat.

After Catherine giggles for hours straight and Sean is sufficiently convinced that they could be best friends, he takes her to an ice castle for dinner. Could this date possibly be any colder?

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Catherine wants to make sure Sean realizes she is super deep, so she tells him that when she was 12, she watched a tree fall on her friend at camp and kill her. Because of that experience, Catherine is determined to find her soulmate. I don’t really see the connection, but I guess everyone wants Sean to know they have a dead friend.  Sean thanks Catherine for opening up to him by making out with her.

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And, as to be expected since she told him about a dead friend, Sean gives Catherine a rose.

The group date is next, and Sean and the girls go canoeing on Lake Louise. Apparently this season of the Bachelor is sponsored by canoe manufacturers worldwide.

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They arrive at their destination, and Sean informs the ladies that they are going to jump in the frigid water in bathing suits, but, don’t worry, it has a special name (polar bear plunge), so it must be fun. Lindsay is overly enthusiastic about it and tells us that she is an outdoorsy girl, so she’s totally in her element. Lesley is also way too excited about jumping in an icy lake. Selma is all, oh h*ll no; I’m not messing up my hair and makeup (which is probably for the best because she is no princess without makeup) and decides to reapply her lip gloss on her freakishly plump lips while the other suckers jump in the lake.

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Tierra and her classy bikini don’t waste any time getting out of the water.

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But apparently it isn’t soon enough because Tierra starts flipping out, which of course makes everyone else flip out, and she is taken away in a van and given coffee, which apparently is the cure for hypothermia. She looks pretty.

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Tierra then changes and is put to bed but not before she finds an oxygen tank because how else will Sean know how serious her fake hypothermia is if she doesn’t have tubes in her nose? Sean comforts her and then takes off for the cocktail party with the non-insane ladies. Tierra miraculously recovers and shows up at the cocktail party to the disappointment of everyone else there. Ultimately Lesley gets the rose, I guess because she was super fake excited about jumping in the lake.

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After the group date is over, Sean does some thinking and decides that he doesn’t see himself with Sarah, so the fairest thing to do is to humiliate her in front of all the other girls and send her home that night. Yeah, you really spared her feelings on that one, Sean.

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Time for Des and Sean’s second 1-on-1 date, and thankfully there are no stupid pranks on this one. They rappel down a mountain as slowly as possible before picnicking next to a tree. Des is all, omg I am the best tree climber ever, and Sean is all, omg no I am. So the two of them both climb the tree and celebrate their awesome tree climbing skills with a kiss. 

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Nighttime rolls around, and Sean takes Des to a teepee to hang out (which we soon learn makes Des feel right at home because she actually lived in a tent for 4 months as a child). Sean embraces the Native American vibe of the evening by wearing a hideous cardigan.

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Somehow Des is able to keep a straight face while talking to him despite the fact that he looks like a moron. Then they start making out, and I see WAY too much of Sean’s tongue.

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This picture really doesn’t do the make-out scene justice.

Time for the cocktail party, and Selma throws a Hail Mary and decides she should kiss Sean to compensate for not partaking in the polar bear plunge. She gives him a pathetic peck and then comments that her mom is going to be so embarrassed  Yeah, it’s going to be the peck that embarrasses her and not the fact that your boobs are hanging out everywhere. Ultimately, the kiss was too little too late for Selma, and she gets the boot at the rose ceremony. Drunk Daniella and her hideous roots are also sent packing, and she’s upset but says she is keeping a straight face. Which is weird because she isn’t.

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Unfortunately, Bachelor isn’t on for a third straight night tonight so, until next week, be well and stay warm.


Bachelor Sean Ep. 5: Is Sean outdoorsy? I can’t tell.

Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion to tell the ladies it’s time to pack their bags because their traveling starts now! Everyone is super excited to find out their destination and waits with bated breath for CH to tell them they are heading to Fiji or some other exotic locale. Then CH informs them that they are hopping a plane to Montana, and everyone lays the fake excitement on pretty thick. Whenever people get overly excited about something, I think of one of my favorite SNL skits. 

MACAROONS!

So Sean and the ladies head to Montana because Sean is super outdoorsy and wants a wife who can go from wearing high heels one day to ugly hiking boots the next. Lindsay gets the one-on-one date and is so excited that she cries about it. Way to keep your emotions in check, girl. She puts on her best outdoorsy flannel (which she appears to have borrowed from the group date stash), and a helicopter arrives to pick her and Sean up. Being the perceptive girl that she is, upon seeing the helicopter, Lindsay asks, “Is that a helicopter?” No dipsh*t; it’s a submarine.

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Sean and Lindsay ride in the submarine over Glacier National Park, and then head to an open field to have a picnic and make out.

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Lindsay is super attracted to Sean because he is “good looking on the eyes.” He is probably attracted to her because she is quite the wordsmith. Later at dinner, Sean has a breakthrough and realizes that Lindsay wants a stable family now because she didn’t have a stable family growing up. He’s so insightful. Then they head to a concert, where they dance on a platform and make out. Typical first date.

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The group date is up next, and Sean reminds us again how outdoorsy he is but tells us that he doesn’t “necessarily need an outdoorsman wife.” Nonetheless, he is going to make the girls do outdoorsy activities like canoeing, baling hay, sawing wood, and milking goats. Oh and obviously drinking the goat milk because how else do you know if you want to marry someone if you don’t see them drink goat milk? The ladies find out they are going to be divided into two teams for this special outdoorsman wife competition, but all I can really focus on is whatever the heck Selma is wearing on her head.

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I mean, what WAS that thing?

The competition begins with the most pathetic canoe race I have ever seen. Granted it is also the only canoe race I have ever seen, but I feel confident that even if I had seen multiple canoe races in my life, this one would be the most pathetic.

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Once they finally complete the canoe portion of the competition, the girls run around with hay, which I’m pretty sure isn’t the same as actually baling hay, but then again, I’m no farmer so I could be wrong.

Hay

They then saw through a large log before moving on to milk the goats. And yes, it appears Selma has decided to wear her weird head wrap throughout the competition.

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Des chugs a glass of goat milk slash lets half of it run down her face to bring the red team to victory. The blue team is sent home feeling super dejected yet probably fairly relieved they didn’t have to chug warm goat milk. Sean takes the red team to their victory party where he decides to break the rules yet again and invite the losing team back to hang out with him. Daniella says that the other team is “literally going to die” when they show up. While the red team pitches a fit, thankfully, no lives are lost during the episode. Selma, speaking in the third person, is especially peeved about the blue team’s return. “When Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry.” Sean goes off with the producers to do an interview where he is asked whether he is expecting any surprises that evening. In a crazy coincidence  Tierra chooses that moment to surprise him!

huh

Even though Tierra was fake psyched about being on the 2-on-1 date earlier, she’s now decided it’s not fair and wants to air her grievances. “I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you, and what the heck, I got the 2-on-1.” Sean talks to her outside for a few minutes and assures her that he has feelings for her blah blah blah and then heads back in to the nightmare of a cocktail party where the red team continues to whine about the fact that the blue team is there. Catherine and Sean go outside to play a little tonsil hockey, and, based on the text I received this morning from one of my friends, I guess they made out next to a dumpster.

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Daniella sees Catherine sitting on Sean’s lap, and it’s more than she can handle in her drunken state so she starts boo-hooing about it. Sean has learned that the best way to shut a girl up is to give her a rose, so he gives Daniella the rose and a little tongue, and, like magic, she stops crying.

Time for Jackie and Tierra’s 2-on-1. Tierra wonders if Jackie realizes that she is on a date with Tierra and her husband. Yeah, probably not. The three of them go horseback riding, and then Jackie gets a little alone time with Sean. She wastes her time badmouthing Tierra, so Sean pity makes out with her because he knows he’s going to give her the boot later.

jackie

Dinnertime rolls around, and there are few things more awkward on the Bachelor than a 2-on-1 dinner date. After making awkward small talk at the table for a bit, Sean takes Tierra outside to talk. Tierra worries that she may be losing her edge, so she tells him she has a dead boyfriend. Sean thinks this explains why she is such a b*tch and decides to give her the rose. Jackie is sent home.

Cocktail party time, and everyone is fired up. Des doesn’t think it is fair that Sean gives roses to whiny chicks and complains about it to him. He’s all, oh heck no; you did not just question me like that. Robyn decides to go all Bad Girls Club on Tierra, and the two go outside to fight it out. Tierra lets Robyn know just how dangerous she really is. “I hope you guys are all happy cuz I will bite, I will bite. I’m a Scorpio, I do bite, and my stinger does come out when I’m pissed.” (Side note: Didn’t Blakeley tell us she was a Scorpio on Bachelor Pad before talking about physically harming people? Scorpios seem crazy and dangerous.)

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Sean is over all the drams and whines to CH that maybe his wife isn’t in the group after all. CH says he certainly can’t give Sean any relationship advice because he is in the midst of a divorce. (Or something not along those lines at all.) At the rose ceremony, Sean eliminates Robyn, presumably because she wanted to turn the Bachelor into Bad Girls Club. Although, given how slow the past couple of episodes have been, I think that may actually be a welcome change this season.

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Turns out that if you do a search for “Bad Girls Club fight,” you will find some pretty great pictures. It was hard to choose just one. Which is why I would like to share another.

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Best part of that picture? Definitely the blurred out body.

Sean is back with another episode tonight for some inexplicable reason. Good thing I’m stocked up on wine. Enjoy tonight’s episode, and I’ll be back tomorrow with another recap.


Bachelor Sean Ep. 4: Too much whining, not enough tongue.

Last night’s episode was a snoozefest. In fact, I’m bored just thinking about it. The episode began as usual, with Sean pondering life and love without a shirt. At least one of the members of my viewing party was not impressed.

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The producers decided that after 3 episodes of shirtless shots, it was time to take things up a notch and show us Sean’s boxer briefs.

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Awk.

The date card arrives, and it says — Selma, Let’s turn up the heat. Selma is psyched that she got the date. She wants to take it to the next level and then the next level and then have babies with Sean. Leslie, on the other hand, is devastated that she wasn’t chosen for the date.

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Omg gurl dry your eyes; your time will come soon enough!

Selma puts on her skin- tight workout clothes, and Sean picks her up in a limo. She tries to guess where they are headed and tells him he better hope they aren’t going dancing because she is horrible at dancing with a partner. Then she asks, “Can you handle all 110 pounds of me?” I nearly throw my brownie at the screen at this annoying comment, but unlike someone who weighs 110 pounds, I change my mind and eat the brownie instead. They arrive at the airport and board their private jet.

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Selma can’t wait to see what sort of luxurious activity Sean has planned for her. Apparently being told to wear athletic clothes didn’t clue her in to the fact that it wasn’t going to be trip to the opera. Sean can’t wait until Selma realizes they aren’t doing anything glamorous. He’s “an outdoorsy guy,” so he wants to put Selma to the test. They arrive at their destination, and Selma learns they are going to be doing some rock climbing. Selma freaks out because she doesn’t like the heat, and she is getting puffy. Also, in a crazy coincidence,  Selma is terrified of heights! She tells us, “I’m gonna fall. And die.” She’s super miserable about the rock climbing but realizes she needs to act outdoorsy and agreeable so Sean likes her, so she pretends to embrace the rock climbing. They make it to the top, where Sean embraces her and the two main reasons he likes her so much. (Her brain and her heart — duh!)

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Sean comments that “Selma loved everything about today.” Apparently he’s super good at reading people. Then they head to a fake trailer park for cuddle time, where Selma tells Sean how strict her culture is and that her mom would literally have a heart attack if she kissed him on tv. (I don’t know her mom, so this could be a proper use of literally.) Sean tells her he finds it hard to believe that her culture is all that strict since she seems plenty willing to parade around on national television with her boobs out. Or at least that’s what I’m thinking. Sean says he respects that she doesn’t want to kiss him, and they cuddle in awkward silence and talk about how much they wish they could kiss each other.

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Yawn. This no kissing strategy can only backfire in the end.

Time for the group date, and the girls head to the roller derby. Robyn is embarrassed about the possibility of falling on roller skates because she already bit it in front of Sean once before. Remember?

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Amanda decides to tell the girls she has done roller derby before to get in their heads. (Cool strategy.) Sarah is nervous because she only has one arm, so AshLee gives her a pep talk and Sean tells her it’s cool if she wants to sit this one out. She whines about it in her annoying voice, and I want her to make whatever decision will make her the quietest. Amanda’s overconfidence comes back to bite her when she wipes out and smacks her chin on the floor.

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Cry about it. Sean says he is “obviously concerned” about her, but it’s clearly not concerning enough to cue the ambulance sirens, so he sends her off to the hospital with some dude in a car. After the Amanda disaster, Sean decides to turn the rest of the date into a free sk8. More yawns.

sk8r girls

Once they are done sk8ing, they head to the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel for drinks and merriment (which, if you recall, is where Sean took Leslie last week). Amanda returns to the date but has limited jaw mobility. (Cue dirty joke.) She tells us she is “gonna milk the heck out of” her injury because “this didn’t happen for nothing.” Sean kisses her on her jaw to make her feel better, and she is disappointed that he didn’t french her. She then realizes she should have said her tonsils hurt. Amateur.

Tierra loses her sh*t and says “it’s torture” being there, and she can’t take it anymore. She tells the producers she wants to go home and then lurks outside the room where Lindsay and Sean are hanging out. As Chris Harrison said in his blog today, “I’m not sure how Sean and Lindsay didn’t freak out when they walked out of that door to find Tierra crouched in the dark corner like a scary hobo goblin ready to pounce on them.” Tierra freaks the f*ck out and tells Sean she wants to go home. Sean thinks her psychotic hysterics are endearing and gives her the rose to convince her to stay.

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Can’t imagine he will regret that decision later.

Holy moly, batman — it’s time for Leslie’s date! Sean clearly spent some time in CH’s closet picking out his vest for the date.

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Sean takes Leslie to Badgley Mischka, and she tries on a bunch of dresses. It’s totally like Pretty Woman except she’s not a hooker, and Sean is no Richard Gere. Ultimately, she decides on this dress at Sean’s suggestion.

eesh

I meeeean, if that’s not setting her up for failure, I don’t know what is. They head to Neil Lane’s for some jewelry, and she better enjoy this moment because it’s the closest she is getting to a Neil Lane engagement ring on her Bachelor journey.

frost yourself

Then they head to dinner, and I’m absolutely shocked I didn’t fall asleep. Leslie tells boring stories about her past, and I’m having trouble deciding whether this is a date or a job interview with questions from Sean like, “What lessons have you learned?” Leslie tells him her parents got divorced when she was 5, at which point it’s obvious she’s a goner because Sean only likes girls whose parents are madly in love and still hold hands constantly. Sean picks up the rose to fake Leslie out and then tells her, “Honestly, I just didn’t feel it click today.” Leslie is surprised by this turn of events, but given the fact that Sean didn’t even bother shaving for her date, I think she should have seen this one coming. To add insult to injury, the producers make her take off the necklace before she gets in the limo, as if they couldn’t collect it while they are filming her in the limo. Leslie is pretty broken up about it.

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Sean dramatically drops the rose off a balcony to emphasize that he didn’t give Leslie the rose, and we see the petals are crushed, just like Leslie’s heart.

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Time for the cocktail party. Sean tells AshLee he has missed her and gives her some tongue to drive home the point, but I’m too lazy to take a picture. As we saw in the previews last week, Robyn asks Sean if he wants some chocolate and then gives him the option between actual chocolate and her. He chooses her and gives her a few pecks, which she takes to mean they are in love.

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Tierra pulls Robyn and Jackie aside to apologize for her behavior and gives the least sincere apology in the history of apologies. “I’ve never not liked you. Your bad for assuming that.” (Your bad, not to be confused with you’re bad.) Daniella is wasted as usual. Sean talks to Tierra and says he doesn’t mind reassuring her because he knows she has a good heart and is here for the right reasons. Oh the irony! She continues to hypnotize him with her forehead dent. Catherine gives Sean a piece of paper with her lipstick on it. How romantic. Then she pulls him aside for their first kiss. I could have taken a picture of it, but it was pretty dark on the screen and also I just wanted the episode to be over. I guess the kiss goes well because she gets the first rose at the rose ceremony. Blonde Leslie makes her first appearance of the episode at the rose ceremony, and she is rocking bright pink lipstick and bright blue eye shadow. Yikes. Final two comes down to Drunk Daniella and Amanda. Sean is terrified by what Amanda looks like, so he sends her home. (Or at least I’m assuming that was part of it.)

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Amanda is feeling introspective after her elimination and tells us “heartbreak is such a difficult emotion.” Sure is, girl, sure is.

Next week, we have TWO episodes of Bachelor, and I am PUMPED about it. Until then, have a great week, be careful on roller skates, and remember that dark lipstick isn’t for everyone (or anyone really).


Bachelor Sean Ep. 3: Attack of the Tongue

I spoke too soon last week when I said Arie may have successfully taught Sean how to kiss. Sean was back to his old tricks this week.

We begin as we always do, with shirtless Sean lifting weights and running on the treadmill.

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He tells us that he is already “digging a lot of women,” which is good to hear because I dig love. The date card arrives, and the girls wait in nervous anticipation to find out who will get the one-on-one. Robyn hopes the date card is for her and that it says, “Let’s ditch these b*tches and go fall in love for real.”

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How poetic. Instead, it says, “Lesley M., How long will this love last?” (So, pretty similar to what Robyn was thinking.) Lesley doesn’t know what the date card means but decides a dress that barely covers her a*s is the best option for her date. They arrive at the Guinness Museum in Hollywood, and Lesley pretends she is psyched about their destination. After browsing for a few, Sean tells Lesley that his dad “likes to do things that are out of the norm.” (You know, like pretend to serve armadillo for dinner. Classic Mr. Lowe.) Then Sean reveals that his dad broke the record for driving the 48 contiguous states in the shortest amount of time. Lesley is super impressed and can’t wait to marry Sean so she can have Mr. Lowe as her father-in-law. And just when she thinks things can’t get any more exciting, Sean reveals that they will be breaking a record themselves!

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CH shows up in a vest and reveals that they will be breaking the record for the longest on-screen kiss. The current record is 3 minutes 15 seconds, so they just need to keep their lips together for a second longer than that, and they will go down in history. The creeper behind CH is pretty excited about that prospect.

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At this point, my friends and I are discussing whether we are going to have to watch the entire kiss and decide that obviously we won’t, at which point Husband steps in as the voice of reason and tells us that of course they will play the whole thing because it is the longest on-screen kiss. Ooooooh. We felt pretty dumb. So we sit and watch them awkwardly stand there with their lips touching for over 3 minutes while Sean tries to cop a feel, Lesley massages his face, and CH tries to pick up the ladies in the crowd. I guess other people were as bored as we were and decided to pass the time by making out themselves.

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After breaking the record (OMG best day ever!!!), they head to the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel and Sean makes a heartfelt toast — “Here’s to setting records with the only girl I want to set records with. For now.” Okay he didn’t throw that last part in, but that’s obviously what he meant. Lesley then tells Sean that she was a nerd in high school and he’s all, studying is cool, girl. Then she tells him that in her perfect world, she will have a marriage like her parents, who are still madly in love and constantly holding hands. WEIRD. Same for Des’s parents AND Sean’s parents! Then she tells him he makes her nervous, which I guess is her way of explaining why she can’t make eye contact, and he tells her he feels the same, and then he tells her to take control a.k.a. stick your tongue in my mouth, and she waits a beat too long before finally going in for the kill.

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And I’m back to cringing at Sean’s tongue.

Lesley then declares that she is “falling in love with this guy,” which is a totally normal sentiment to have after your first date. Although, it’s probably a little more normal in a world where it rains confetti while you are kissing.

It’s time for the group date, and the girls arrive at the beach to find Sean in a tank top. He’s obviously overdressed, so they chant “take it off” until he reluctantly removes his shirt. JK — he’s not reluctant. They frolic on the beach for a few minutes, and then CH arrives, presumably coming off a bender judging by the 5 o’clock shadow he is sporting in the early morning. He tells the girls they will be competing for Sean’s love/a longer date in a game of beach volleyball. Taryn tells us that this is the most important game of her life.

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I would say that’s an exaggeration, but I don’t know much about her life, so maybe it is. On the other hand, Daniella says this is literally her worst nightmare, and I can’t help feeling like this nightmare:

isn’t as scary as a giant spider monster nightmare:

rawr

But I’ve been wrong before.

ABC plays dramatic music in an attempt to fool us into believing we are watching an action-packed sports moment rather than a train wreck of a game. The blue team wins. The red team cries. Kristy takes it especially hard.

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Like SUPER hard. She won’t shut up about it. Forehead Leslie attempts to comfort her.

The blue team heads back to Sean’s house for some QT. Sean and Lindsay enjoy some alone time together, and he tells her she is constantly surprising him, so she’s all, let me surprise you with my tongue.

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Or something like that. Then he meets up with Des and tells her how much fun he has with her. Des wants to make sure he doesn’t think that’s all there is to her, so she tells him she is very spiritual and has a deeper side. “I don’t just think, like, on the surface.” Yeah, me neither. Guess I’m pretty deep too. Next Sean chats up Cinnabon Shoulders a.k.a. Amanda, who tells him she will “bring a fun atmosphere” if they get married. After that home run of a talk, she tells the other girls she is looking forward to getting the group date rose.

Time for Kacie B. to shoot herself in the foot. Kacie tells Sean about the Des/Cinnabon Shoulders feud because “It’s gonna come between us if I don’t say something.” Sean is confused and tells Kacie she is acting like a crazy person. Whatever Kacie’s bizarre plan was fails. Look, if I’ve learned one thing in the past 7,000 seasons of the Bachelor, it’s that you don’t talk about the other girls; you make your alone time about you and him. Guess Kacie isn’t as good at the Bachelor as she thought. So Sean gives Lindsay the rose, while Kacie stands by and laughs like a maniac.

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Time for AshLee’s date, but wait, Tierra has fallen down the stairs!

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Sean arrives, followed by the ambulance. Tierra flips out on the medics and tells them the whole thing is stupid, and she doesn’t want to go to the hospital. In other words, “I faked a fall to get time with Sean, and if you take me to the hospital, you will ruin everything.”  Her plan works, and Sean spends some alone time with her while AshLee seethes in the kitchen.

It’s finally time for AshLee’s date, and they show up at Six Flags, at which point I’m assuming she regrets wearing hooker heels. Sean wants to see how AshLee reacts to sharing her date, so he tells her they will be spending their day with two chronically ill children who love music, theme parks, and him. Sean is relieved to see that Ashlee is happy to share their date. As if there was any chance she would throw a hissy fit and storm off. AshLee tells us that the whole thing thrills her heart. I don’t know what it is about her, but I’m having trouble finding her super genuine. Regardless, they spend the day hanging out at Six Flags with the girls.

woo

After they go to a concert and make the girls dance by themselves, Sean and AshLee finally get some alone time. Sean is impressed by the girls they spent the day with, so AshLee wants to make sure he realizes that she’s had a tough life too. They talk about having kids, and she tells him, “I definitely want as many children as my husband and I decide.” I can see she’s given that a lot of thought. She tells him she has always wanted to adopt an older child, and Sean says he has too because he doesn’t want her to seem like a better person than he is. AshLee then talks about how lucky she is because she only suffered mild psychical abuse, and I’m seriously having trouble believing that  someone can have that much of a positive outlook on life. Sean tears up, at which point my one friend, who is new to the Bachelor, asks if he is the first Bachelor ever to cry on the show and I’m all, uhh have you never heard of pulling a Mesnick?

mesnick

She obviously hadn’t.

Sean and AshLee finally kiss, and as much as he says he’s into her, he doesn’t bust out the big tongue like he did with Lesley and Lindsay, so I’m not really sure what to believe.

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Cocktail party time, and Sean tells Sarah he has a surprise for her. He takes her outside, and she sees a town car approaching and starts LOSING HER SH*T. Her annoying voice is in full effect and she’s all, omggg are you sending me hooooome? And he’s all, no, the producers are trying to play up this romance so they brought your dog to visit because normally they bring kids, but I already sent home the chick with kids so your dog will have to do.

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They play with the dog for a bit, and I’m waiting for Sean to tell her that she can now accompany her dog home. He doesn’t.

Back inside, Des interrupts Tierra’s alone time with Sean, which makes Tierra want to “punch some walls.” Tierra decides to steal Sean back, and either Des sits on the couch for a pathetic amount of time waiting for Sean to come back or the producers just made it look that way. Time for the rose ceremony, but wait — Sean pulls Kacie outside to chat. He tells her he has too much respect for her to make her stay through another rose ceremony and gives her the boot immediately. Sarah’s dog took the town car, so Kacie and her sideburns are sent away crying in a van.

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Sean tells the women Kacie is gone and then hands out the roses. Taryn and Sock Bun Kristy don’t receive roses, so they say their goodbyes.

Taryn opines that she was sent home because she “may not be sweet enough for him.”

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Eh, that or you are boring and cried the first night.

Sock Bun cries a lot.

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Boo hoo.

Robyn is pleased that she made it through the rose ceremony unscathed.

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Oh, and it looks like next week she holds out a piece of chocolate and asks Sean if he wants to taste some chocolate. Then asks which chocolate he wants to taste. And then they make out. I’d like to say I won’t die of awkwardness (not literally) when it happens because I’ve already seen the preview, but I don’t think that would be true. Until then, have a great week, enjoy some sweets, and be careful on the stairs.

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Bachelor Sean Ep. 2: Literally Prince Charming

Two weeks in, and Sean has yet to gross me out with his tongue like he did in Emily’s season. Maybe it was Arie’s helpful kissing advice last week, or maybe he hasn’t felt passionate enough to really lead with his tongue. Either way, I’m thankful for it and can only hope he continues to exercise the same restraint throughout the season.

We begin with the obligatory shirtless shots of Sean — first lifting weights and then pondering life and love in the shower.

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Definitely the most topless Bachelor ever.

We head over to the Bachelor mansion, where the first date card arrives, and everyone learns that Sarah has gotten the first date. Everyone pretends to be excited for her, and she blabs on about how open-minded Sean is for picking her for the first date. As if the producers didn’t pick her for the date for that very reason. And lest we forget that she only has one arm, ABC makes sure to highlight it for us. Repeatedly. In fact, Sarah informs us that her “ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” 

Sean arrives to pick her up in a helicopter, and you would think it was the first time in Bachelor history a helicopter has been used by the way these girls were reacting. Sarah and Sean spend some QT in the helicopter talking about interesting things like how high the helicopter is. Finally, they arrive on the roof of a building in downtown LA, and Sean tells Sarah that they’ve come to this building to have a champagne toast, BUT the champagne is at the bottom of the building! Clearly the only reasonable way to get there is to jump off the building. Sarah is sh*tting her pants at the prospect of jumping off a building but knows she has to seem cool and up for anything if she wants Sean to like her

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(Note to guys: Most girls have no interest in doing this kind of crap. If they seem interested when you’re dating, it’s because they’re trying to suck you in to make you think they are fun. Then, once you are committed, they can finally tell you that they don’t actually have any interest in your dumb hobbies and would rather focus on fixing your horrible wardrobe.)

Sarah says she is ready to “take this plunge” with Sean, and it’s funny because it could mean jump off the building OR fall in love! So they step off the building and drop 350 feet before landing and patting themselves on the back repeatedly for being super adventurous.

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And sure enough, Sean says tells us he loves that Sarah is up for anything. Well played, girl.

They change and head to dinner, where Sarah tells Sean that she has a story to tell him that relates to what they did today. She then tells him that one time in Vegas, she tried to go zip-lining with her dad, but state law prohibited people with disabilities from doing it so she ran out of the room crying, and her dad was all, gurl, you need a strong and comforting man. So Sean’s all, I consider myself to be a man. And she’s all, swoon! And the viewers are all, what a great story of redemption; thanks for showing us that Sarah is handicapable, ABC!

Then they kiss, and either Sean has decided to take Arie’s advice and play it cool with the tongue action, or he’s just not that into her.

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At this point, I’m just glad she isn’t talking anymore because I was dying a slow death at the sound of her voice.

Now it’s time for the group date! The girls show up at a castle, and Selma tells us it’s crazy because they are at a castle and Sean is literally Prince Charming.

charming

Disagree.

They find out they will be modeling for Harlequin, and Kristy is pumped because she’s bringing 8 years of modeling experience to the table.

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And a pair of stonewashed, frayed jorts.

The girls find out that some of them will be dressing up as sexy cowgirls; some will be sexy glamour girls; some will be sexy historical girls; and some will be hideous vampires. Guess we know who got on the producers’ bad side. The girls get their makeup done, and Robyn b*tches about Tierra and how awful she is. The makeup artist is sympathetic.

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(Husband says Tierra seems nice, and he doesn’t see what everyone’s problem is, but I’m having trouble believing he is drawn to her winning personality.)

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Once they are all dressed up, the photo shoot begins, and Lesley immediately gets after it. After she practically tears off his shirt, Lesley and Sean kiss, and the other girls lose their sh*t.

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Sean gets groped by everyone for a few hours, and ultimately, Kristy prevails.  She and her teeth are clearly pretty psyched about it.

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She brags that she has a three-book cover deal. You go, girl. Really taking the modeling world by storm.

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Sean thanks the ladies for their hard work on the photo shoot and tells them he is ready to get out of these clothes and into his bathing suit.

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Deep v-necks can be quite constraining after all.

They arrive at the “wrap party” and Sean starts making his way through the ladies. He has some alone time with Lesley and wants to french her, but she has other ideas and changes the subject every time he gets ready to kiss her. Later, Lesley realizes she missed her big chance but is torn because she is a Southern Belle, and Southern Belles let the guy make the first move. Ultimately she decides that frenching Sean is more important than being a Southern Belle, so she awkwardly approaches Sean and plants one on him.

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Sean is feeling it and gives Lesley a preview of his tongue. Even so, he was still pretty restrained compared to what we’ve seen from him in the past. (You have no idea how difficult it is to capture the exact moment that Sean’s tongue comes out of his mouth.)

Kacie gets some alone time with Sean, and he tells her she is in the friend zone, and he’s going to have to wrap his brain around taking her out of it. She thinks this bodes well for their relationship and is pretty psyched about how far they have come. Then Kacie talks to Frizzy, who is flipping out and tells her that she doesn’t feel like she fits in. Kacie encourages her to do what she thinks is best and then pats herself on the back for being so good at the Bachelor. Frizzy approaches Sean and tells him that she’s having trouble adjusting and thinks she should go home. Sean tells her that he is disappointed and asks her to reconsider.

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JK. Sean’s immediate response was, “let me walk you out.” I mean, couldn’t he at least have pretended to care that she was leaving? Sure it looks like she is housing a dead animal in her hair, but people with bad hair have feelings too.

Sean talks to Tierra, who is pouty and tells him she’s a little guarded today because she’s not used to this. Well boohoo, neither is anyone else. Sean likes her boobs personality though, so he comforts her and assures her that he likes her and wants her to stick around. Tierra feels victorious and is confident Sean will give her the rose. In a shocking twist, however, Sean gives the rose to Kacie, who now feels like she is definitely out of the friend zone because why else would he give her the rose? (Certainly not because he is weirded out by her being there after they hung out twice and didn’t hit it off and doesn’t want her to feel bad when he inevitably dumps her.) Tierra tells us she wants to punch Kacie because Kacie got the rose. Stay classy, girl.

Now it’s time for Sean’s date with Desiree, and Sean the prankster is up to his old tricks! Since he wants to marry his best friend, Sean figures the best way to see if “Des” is best friend material is to see how she reacts to a prank.  So he takes her to a fake art gallery and makes her think she is going to be blamed for breaking a $1.5 million piece of art. Des does not appear to be fooled, probably because the actors are pretty awful. When she is a good sport about it (would anyone really flip out on him in that situation?), Sean takes her back to his pad for dinner. And what a dinner it is — steak from the oven with broccoli and couscous. Nothing screams romance like broccoli in your teeth.

After dinner, they put on their swimsuits and bond over the fact that their parents are the most in love people in the history of love. Then they hop in the hot tub and french for a few.

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Not the best tongue shot, I know, but seriously, it’s not easy.

Time for the cocktail party, and the girls are nervous now that feelings are involved. Cinnabon Shoulders apparently spent the time she could have been using to brush her hair before the party to pop a couple Xanax, so she’s feeling pretty anti-social.

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Daniella says Cinnabon Shoulders is literally a tornado of negativity.

tornado

Disagree.

Robyn asks Sean if he is attracted to black women, and he is super psyched that this question came up because the producers had prepared him for it he will date “anybody.” In fact, he tells Robyn, “this is my favorite question.” Really? Of all the getting to know you questions you have been asked, “are you attracted to other races?” was your favorite? Clearly these girls are not great conversationalists. He tells Robyn that his last girlfriend was black, and she is relieved to hear that there is a future for them. He tells her he wishes he could talk to her all night right before leaving to talk to someone else. Then Sean talks to Lindsay a.k.a. Wedding Dress Disaster Girl about how she is an army brat and some other stuff. Honestly, I was so distracted by how shiny her face was that I couldn’t concentrate on what they were talking about. He talks to Cinnabon Shoulders and stares at Selma’s boobs for a bit, and then it’s time for the rose ceremony.

The rose ceremony is tense, and Tierra is clearly annoyed that Sean is taking his sweet time calling her name.

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What in the world is up with Tierra’s forehead? That dent was staring at me all episode.

Ultimately, Diana and Brooke get the boot. Sean tells Diana he didn’t think it was right to keep her from her kids if he wasn’t interested in her. She’s pretty upset about it and feels like she wasn’t enough for him. Brooke is more rational and reasons that “love was not here.” Sean toasts to another exciting week, and then we watch Daniella the drunk train wreck try to figure out the difference between Haiti and Hades. Until next week, be well, use tongue sparingly in your kisses, and don’t get stuck in a tornado of negativity.


For your mid-afternoon slump: Sean is racy.

Umm, why was this picture taken?

why

It’s making me really uncomfortable.