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For your mid-afternoon slump: Michael Stagliano is lucky in love.

Remember this sad face from Bachelor Pad?

sadface

Well you can bet it’s back because Michael Stagliano is officially engaged. I would say he’s officially off the market, but we all saw what happened to his first engagement, so hang in there, Rachel. All is not lost.

I found out about the engagement last week during my routine Instagram stalking when I came across this post from Michael.

photo 1

Way to hash tag the name of your tour on your engagement announcement. Nothing screams romance like self-promotion.

So these two started dating right before he left to go on Bachelor Pad. Which means that early in their relationship, Michael was jamming his tongue down someone else’s throat.

tongue

Oh, and not just Rachel.

literallydonna

But I guess this one doesn’t count because he was just making Donna’s dreams come true.

Look, I’m not saying he’s rushing into things with his new fiancee, but I’m pretty sure that if I saw my fiance making out with someone else on national television less than a year before he proposed, it might give me a little pause. Although, in fairness to his fiancee, I would be having reservations about marrying him in general, so maybe I’m not the best measuring stick. And they ARE super in love according to her Instagram caption of this picture:

ring on it

Emily wrote, “If one picture could define our relationship, this might be it! Goofy, madly in love, and having fun every second! I love you, @michaelstag!” Are they literally having fun every second? Because, if so, that seems like a lot of fun. Michael also posted a close-up of the ring for us.

photo 3

I guess unfunny people will never let go of “put a ring on it.” Thanks, unfunny people of the world, for ruining that song for me. I can’t tell if the ring is legit huge, or if it’s an optical illusion. Can being a fake rockstar really make you that much money? Maybe he’s bringing in the big bucks with merchandise sales thanks to people like my sister, who bought me these for Christmas:

stagswag

Guess she didn’t feel like splurging for the t-shirt so I could get a personal thank-you/love note from Michael. 

Well, good luck to you Michael. I hope this one works out better for you because everyone deserves true love. Even people who take douchey pictures like this.

ugh

And if it doesn’t, I’m sure Rachel will welcome you back with open arms.

sadz


For your mid-afternoon slump: Michael Stagliano has outdone himself.

Omg I can’t believe sometimes I forget that not only am I a musician, but I’m also an author!


For your mid-afternoon slump: Michael Stagliano is ridiculous.

Michael Stagliano has revealed his mystery girlfriend from Chicago to the world.  He posted a picture of the two of them on Instagram last night with the caption, “Finally get to post this. : ) #lovelikethis”

It’s worth noting that #lovelikethis is the name of his tour. What’s that? You didn’t realize he was a singer/songwriter? Well, he is. And judging from this picture, a very serious one.

Interested in supporting his fledgling music career? Well, great news — according to his website, you can get a love note (and shirt) from him for the bargain basement price of $20.

Click on the T-Shirt to check out the ‘Stag Swag’ #LoveLikeThis Tees available now! If you order one, I’ll personally write you a thank-you/love note. No carbon copies, no mass-production. From me, with love (like this), to you. Thank you!

Wow, he’ll write me the note himself?! No carbon copies? I didn’t realize such a famous musician would have time to write notes to his fans. Now you’re probably asking yourself, how do I let him know that I am a HUGE fan? Well, not to worry, his website has a place for you to sign up to be a part of the Michael Stagliano fan club. Yes, that’s right, he has an official FAN CLUB.

In case none of the information I have shared thus far has convinced you that he is completely ridiculous, please be advised that he chose to wear a pageboy hat for a promotional photo.

That should do it.

 


Bachelor Pad Finale: I’m a schm*ck with $250,000.

Chances that Rachel is doing anything today other than listening to Adele and throwing out all her notebooks with “Rachel Stagliano” scribbled all over them? 0%. 

1. We start with CH telling us that “tonight is going to be insane.” For once, he was not exaggerating. After a recap of the season’s highlights, CH checks in with Lindzi (who is more orange than usual) and Kalon. They tell us they are still together, but Erica Rose worries that she’s not getting enough screen time so she jumps in to tell Lindzi to watch out for Kalon. I like Lindzi and Kalon, but there are so many better things to talk about, so I’m going to move right on.

2. Stag (like how we’re on a nickname basis now?) is in the hot seat next. Flashbacks to him in his Members Only jacket and Mr. Rogers’ sweater. Erica is still bitter. Or maybe she’s not. Her face doesn’t really move so it’s hard to get a good read on her emotions. Jaclyn lets Stag know that Rachel is NOT over their brief romance.

3. Jaclyn and her bright pink dress are up next, and she gets the sadz watching herself cry. (Unclear whether this is because she is reliving the emotion or because she realizes what an ugly crier she is.) I was really rooting for her to have a full breakdown while watching her previous breakdown so I could have the greatest screen shot ever, but she let me down.

She tells us that what Rachel did is unforgivable, but based on the fact that she put Michael on blast for Rachel, it’s pretty clear they are BFFs again. (Is “put on blast” cool? It’s in the Urban Dictionary, so I’m assuming it is.) Jaclyn is super bitter and wants us all to know that she was the real puppet master, not Michael. She is positive that she controlled the game. Well, honey, judging from the fact that you got eliminated, you clearly lost control at a key point in the game. Do you think it had anything to do with the fact that you forgot the words to a ridiculously easy song and then dry h*mped your partner in front of hundreds of people? Probably not.

4. Blakeley is in the hot seat next wearing what my husband thought was a sports bra and a skirt. We get a recap of all the different ways she said she wanted to punch Chris in the throat throughout the season before she talks about her and Tony. I hate to admit this, but I got the chills when she was talking about Tony. Seems like my heart of stone cracked a little with this love story. As CH said, their love is “so real and so raw.” Blakeley and Tony stand up to announce that they are moving in together. (Not sure why this couldn’t have been done from a seated position.) Then Tony starts mumbling about showing her he loves her, and before we know it, he is down on one knee proposing. (As you can see from the picture, CH is tickled pink by this proposal.)

Tony is psyched because his son will have a former VIP cocktail waitress with a tattoo sleeve as a mother, and Blakeley is psyched because this ensures her a lifetime of cable. (I got the chills again during the proposal, which makes the fact that I always get the chills during the national anthem seem a little less special.)

5. The remaining couples finally come out, and they are looking sharp, especially Nick who is wearing his best jeans and loafers for the occasion. Rachel confronts Michael and says that when she found out Michael was dating someone else, it literally crushed her. (One of my friends immediately texted me to tell me that Rachel didn’t look literally crushed.) Michael doesn’t understand why Rachel is so upset because he made himself pretty clear when he went to her hotel to break up with her. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that any breakup that ends with you sleeping over could have probably been a tad clearer. It appears that the door on that relationship is now officially closed.

6. Chris is up next, and he wants us to know that he got in A LOT of trouble with his family for the way he behaved on the show. In fact, he got in so much trouble that he is getting choked up just thinking about the fact that he’s not going to win all the pain he caused. We take a look back at his player ways and can see that Jamie is clearly not over it.

I can’t believe I got this far in the post without commenting on Jamie’s headdress/bedazzled face/earring situation. What in the world was her thought process in deciding to make her triumphant return looking like Pocahontas Barbie?

Her eyelashes were obviously completely out of control as well.

7. CH decides we have heard enough from the final two couples and puts it to a vote. Nick and Rachel win by a landslide. CH instructs two official looking gentlemen to escort them to their separate deliberation rooms after explaining for the 16th time how it all works. We watch them pondering life in their separate rooms while the other contestants talk about how they are OBVIOUSLY going to share it. Yes, so obvious. Classic foreshadowing, ABC.

8. They come back out after deliberating, and Rachel gives a short speech before revealing that she has decided to share the money because clearly she’s a woman of her word. (What’s that, Jaclyn? She’s not?) Nick then goes off on Rachel and everyone else before revealing that he is going to KEEP the money! MOST SHOCKING FINALE EVER!

Rachel tells Nick he is a schm*ck, and he tells her he is a schm*ck with $250,000. Valid point. Everyone is flipping out about how Nick doesn’t deserve the money, so Kalon interjects as the voice of reason and reminds them that none of them actually deserve the money. Another valid point. Look, I have no problem with the fact that Nick kept the money, but I DO have a problem with how he was acting afterwards.

At least pretend you feel a little guilty about lying to Rachel and saying you would share the money. Tony gave him the perfect opportunity to show a little kindness, but he rejected it. Instead, he kept bragging about how brilliantly he played the game. Seriously, Nick? Let’s not pretend you are some sort of evil genius when we all know you made it to the end because people forgot you were even in the house.

9. Nick decides to take his gym bag and get out of dodge, so Rachel follows him to continue the confrontation. He’s not having it, and he and his gym bag jump in a limo and leave. (Were we supposed to think the $250,000 was in the gym bag?) So there you have it. Nick has $250,000. Rachel has no money and no Michael. I want to feel sorry for her, but she is a gorgeous quasi celebrity that America now loves, so I’m having trouble mustering up any real pity.

10. Bachelor starts in January. It’s going to be a long, cold winter until then.


Bachelor Pad Episode 6: Rachel haz the sadz.

I left my sister a voicemail right before Bachelor Pad started last night and told her that if she called me during the Pad, I would answer. (I felt the need to specify that I would answer because we don’t really talk on the phone. In fact, she told me on her birthday that she would prefer I not call her.) It was then that I realized I could easily evaluate my feelings for people in my life based on whether I would answer their call during Bachelor Pad/Bachelorette/Bachelor. If you are one of the few who fall into the category of people whose call I would answer during Bach, congrats; you are very special to me. If not, I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it; I barely answer the phone even when Bach isn’t on, so I probably wouldn’t answer your call anyway.

1. We begin with the aftermath of Michael’s elimination. Rachel is a hot mess because Michael was clearly the love of her life, and what’s the point of money if you don’t have love? Listen, I wouldn’t choose money over my husband, but I’m pretty sure I would choose it over some guy I made out with a few times. Or maybe I am underestimating the strength of their love. Oh, what’s that? They’re not together anymore? Okay, looks like I wasn’t underestimating anything. Jaclyn comforts Rachel, and I think she may have actually been crying herself. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.

She tells us that poor Rachel has had the carpet ripped out from underneath her. (I don’t want to get all Google on you, but did you mean rug?) CH enters the house and announces that the competition will now be completely couples-based; everyone will compete as couples and be eliminated as couples. Now that Michael is gone, Nick and Rachel team up. They both seem super psyched about it.

2. It’s the day of the challenge, and everyone is dressed in their Sunday best. (For Sarah, that means channeling Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.) They walk outside and discover a school bus waiting for them. Blakeley is immediately nervous and tells us that school is not her strong suit–not any particular subject, just school in general. The bus takes them to an auditorium, where they learn that they will be competing in a spelling bee!

Tony announces that he “suck[s] so bad at spelling–literally.” (Maybe school isn’t his strong suit either.) CH tells the couples that they will be spelling the words by alternating letters with their partner. Everyone is terrified. (I’m a bad speller to begin with, so the thought of attempting to spell while alternating letters with a partner is pretty terrifying to me as well.) No one is impressed with the young judges from Hogwarts, especially Jaclyn.

3. Jaclyn and Ed are up first, and they spell “love.” (It’s funny because last week Ed made it clear that they are not in love.) Then Tony and Blakeley successfully tackle “rose.” Rachel and Nick are given “kiss.” (It’s funny because they don’t want to kiss each other.) Sarah and Chris spell “sexy.” (It’s appropriate because Chris is a sexy eagle.) Finally, Lindzi and Kalon spell “heart.” (Omg they are so in love.) Round 1 concludes, and everyone is still in the game.

4. By the time we get to Round 9, only Ed & Jaclyn and Chris & Sarah remain. Chris and Sarah are given philanderer, and it would be funny if Chris actually knew what that meant. (In case you don’t know, the internets define a philanderer as a “womanizer: a man who likes many women and has short sexual relationships with them.” See why it’s funny?) The couples go back and forth butchering words for what feels like an eternity.

Finally Chris and Sarah win with “serendipity.” No one claps, but that’s okay because Chris has declared it “National Chris and Sarah Day.” Clever. Chris and Sarah fly off in a private jet, while everyone else piles on the bus to return to the mansion. Blakeley is insanely upset.

5. Chris and Sarah arrive in wine country, where it appears they will be forced to carry their roses around for the entire day. Sarah wants to talk to Chris to find out if he is ready for a relationship. (I don’t see why not; he’s already slept his way through the house.) They come upon a picnic and question whether they should swim before or after they eat, at which point they reveal they have bathing suits on under their clothes. (Did everyone wear swimsuits to the spelling bee, or was there an outfit change somewhere along the way? I’m hoping it’s the former. “Okay everyone, today’s outfit will be smart casual with a bathing suit underneath.”) Sam the Eagle reveals that he has a heart, but he’s still holding onto what he had with Emily. (Yes, because it was so special.)

6. Back at the house, Jaclyn is dealing with Rachel, who is a “stage 7 earthquake. Is that a thing?” Nick tries to convince Rachel to stay and tells her that Michael “would want [her] to be here.” (They are taking this whole “Rachel is a widow” thing a little too far.) Rachel, Jaclyn and Blakeley ultimately decide to take down Lindzi and Kalon and seal the deal with a pinky swear.

7. Dinnertime for Sarah and Chris. They enter a barn that has candles all over the haystacks. (Apparently the producers don’t share my concerns about fire safety.) They continue their relationship talk over dinner, and Sarah tells Chris she knows he hasn’t been in a long-term relationship recently. Chris corrects her and tells her that he dated Emily “for awhile.” (Probably time for Sarah to throw in the towel if that’s his idea of a long-term relationship.) Sarah, however, isn’t deterred and goes on and on about how they were friends first and they live together, which makes what they have so special, etc. (Talk about a yapper.) We learn that Chris shares Sarah’s deep feelings when he tells us that “Sarah’s not only my partner, but she’s my girl on the show.” Aww, your girl on the show. And here I was doubting his capacity for a serious relationship. They make out on the floor for a bit before getting up to shut the barn doors, at which point I am all, whaaaaat? They have to sleep in a barn?? (Cue joke about a roll in the hay.)

8. Next up, Ed and Jaclyn’s date. The date card says, “Let’s cast away.” (At this point my husband makes some awful joke about the movie Castaway, and I am reminded that I really am the funny one in our relationship.) They board a private jet and are left in some sort of meadow in the middle of nowhere to talk about their relationship. Sweet date.

Ed tells Jaclyn that he’s been pursuing someone back at home for the past 6 months and then explains that by pursuing he means dating, but it’s totally cool that he slept with her and Sarah because they broke up before the show so he could have meaningless hookups with people like her and Sarah, so she shouldn’t regret anything that has happened. Jaclyn is horrified, and rightly so. She tells us she is confused because she’s “been so chill.”

9. Back at the mansion, Tony steals a page from the Stagliano seduction book and sets up a blanket and pillows on the driveway for Blakeley. He tells us he is falling for her and explains that she is beautiful on the inside. Mmkay. He tells her that she is the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about before he falls asleep. That would probably be more touching if he wasn’t sleeping next to her every night. Blakeley tells Tony (in full-fledged baby voice) that she has trust issues, and he’s all, I gotcha gurl; we’re totally going to make it. Then they french.

10. Ed and Jaclyn arrive at dinner, and Jaclyn wants to continue their train wreck of a talk. Really, all she is looking for is some morsel of niceness so she can justify sleeping with him tonight. She continues using as many euphemisms as possible, but telling us that they have “bonded in more ways than one” probably gets her point across the best. Ed realizes that he needs to salvage the situation if he has any hope of “bonding” with Jaclyn tonight, so he tells her that he likes sleeping with her because “it’s very comforting.” Apparently that’s all Jaclyn needs to hear, and they retire to their room for the night.

11. Ed and Jaclyn return in the morning with roses, and everyone’s all, say WHAT? Ed and Jaclyn announce that they have to choose another couple to give their roses to and specify that they can’t give the roses to themselves. (Thanks for the clarification.) Everyone realizes that they need the roses to avoid being on the chopping block. Kalon and Lindsay make a plea for their lives, and I’m assuming Kalon was interrupted while doing an 80s workout video.

Lindzi realizes it’s too late to make Jaclyn like her, so she tells her that she will be her b*tch if they give them the roses. Ultimately, the roses go to Tony and Blakeley. Kalon is annoyed, but reasons that they didn’t get the roses because they are not emotional alcoholics. 

12. Kalon makes a plea to Tony and Blakeley to kick off Nick and Rachel. Nick calls them out on this, and Tony tells Nick it’s not like they actually shook on anything, so he can do anything he wants. (Nick should have insisted on a pinky swear.) I’m assuming Nick realizes he’s on the way out because he’s wearing jeans, which are much more comfortable to travel in than dress pants. Nick catches Rachel on the phone with Michael and is all, oh h*ll no. Nick expresses his frustrations to us while in a tank stolen from Ryan’s closet.

13. Going into the rose ceremony, Chris & Sarah and Tony & Blakeley are safe. Jaclyn & Ed are called first, and they are relieved to be off the chopping block. It’s down to Chris & Rachel and Kalon & Lindzi. Chris & Rachel get the roses, and Kalon & Lindzi are chopped. They get into separate limos and I’m all, but whhhhy? Then Kalon realizes he can’t drive away in a separate limo because they are too in love, so he jumps in Lindzi’s limo where they passionately embrace. (I’m not gonna lie, I re-watched this moment twice because I thought it was so cute.) Kalon tells Lindzi that he “can’t imagine anyone loving anyone more” than he does her.

I am happy to report that they are still together today and are as cute as can be. This is a picture Kalon tweeted of them watching the sunset before last night’s episode.

And here’s one of them from the other weekend. I don’t know if it’s socially acceptable to love their relationship, but I’m throwing caution to the wind and loving it anyway.