Bachelor Sean Ep. 5: Is Sean outdoorsy? I can’t tell.

Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion to tell the ladies it’s time to pack their bags because their traveling starts now! Everyone is super excited to find out their destination and waits with bated breath for CH to tell them they are heading to Fiji or some other exotic locale. Then CH informs them that they are hopping a plane to Montana, and everyone lays the fake excitement on pretty thick. Whenever people get overly excited about something, I think of one of my favorite SNL skits. 


So Sean and the ladies head to Montana because Sean is super outdoorsy and wants a wife who can go from wearing high heels one day to ugly hiking boots the next. Lindsay gets the one-on-one date and is so excited that she cries about it. Way to keep your emotions in check, girl. She puts on her best outdoorsy flannel (which she appears to have borrowed from the group date stash), and a helicopter arrives to pick her and Sean up. Being the perceptive girl that she is, upon seeing the helicopter, Lindsay asks, “Is that a helicopter?” No dipsh*t; it’s a submarine.


Sean and Lindsay ride in the submarine over Glacier National Park, and then head to an open field to have a picnic and make out.


Lindsay is super attracted to Sean because he is “good looking on the eyes.” He is probably attracted to her because she is quite the wordsmith. Later at dinner, Sean has a breakthrough and realizes that Lindsay wants a stable family now because she didn’t have a stable family growing up. He’s so insightful. Then they head to a concert, where they dance on a platform and make out. Typical first date.


The group date is up next, and Sean reminds us again how outdoorsy he is but tells us that he doesn’t “necessarily need an outdoorsman wife.” Nonetheless, he is going to make the girls do outdoorsy activities like canoeing, baling hay, sawing wood, and milking goats. Oh and obviously drinking the goat milk because how else do you know if you want to marry someone if you don’t see them drink goat milk? The ladies find out they are going to be divided into two teams for this special outdoorsman wife competition, but all I can really focus on is whatever the heck Selma is wearing on her head.


I mean, what WAS that thing?

The competition begins with the most pathetic canoe race I have ever seen. Granted it is also the only canoe race I have ever seen, but I feel confident that even if I had seen multiple canoe races in my life, this one would be the most pathetic.


Once they finally complete the canoe portion of the competition, the girls run around with hay, which I’m pretty sure isn’t the same as actually baling hay, but then again, I’m no farmer so I could be wrong.


They then saw through a large log before moving on to milk the goats. And yes, it appears Selma has decided to wear her weird head wrap throughout the competition.


Des chugs a glass of goat milk slash lets half of it run down her face to bring the red team to victory. The blue team is sent home feeling super dejected yet probably fairly relieved they didn’t have to chug warm goat milk. Sean takes the red team to their victory party where he decides to break the rules yet again and invite the losing team back to hang out with him. Daniella says that the other team is “literally going to die” when they show up. While the red team pitches a fit, thankfully, no lives are lost during the episode. Selma, speaking in the third person, is especially peeved about the blue team’s return. “When Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry.” Sean goes off with the producers to do an interview where he is asked whether he is expecting any surprises that evening. In a crazy coincidence  Tierra chooses that moment to surprise him!


Even though Tierra was fake psyched about being on the 2-on-1 date earlier, she’s now decided it’s not fair and wants to air her grievances. “I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you, and what the heck, I got the 2-on-1.” Sean talks to her outside for a few minutes and assures her that he has feelings for her blah blah blah and then heads back in to the nightmare of a cocktail party where the red team continues to whine about the fact that the blue team is there. Catherine and Sean go outside to play a little tonsil hockey, and, based on the text I received this morning from one of my friends, I guess they made out next to a dumpster.

photo (14)

Daniella sees Catherine sitting on Sean’s lap, and it’s more than she can handle in her drunken state so she starts boo-hooing about it. Sean has learned that the best way to shut a girl up is to give her a rose, so he gives Daniella the rose and a little tongue, and, like magic, she stops crying.

Time for Jackie and Tierra’s 2-on-1. Tierra wonders if Jackie realizes that she is on a date with Tierra and her husband. Yeah, probably not. The three of them go horseback riding, and then Jackie gets a little alone time with Sean. She wastes her time badmouthing Tierra, so Sean pity makes out with her because he knows he’s going to give her the boot later.


Dinnertime rolls around, and there are few things more awkward on the Bachelor than a 2-on-1 dinner date. After making awkward small talk at the table for a bit, Sean takes Tierra outside to talk. Tierra worries that she may be losing her edge, so she tells him she has a dead boyfriend. Sean thinks this explains why she is such a b*tch and decides to give her the rose. Jackie is sent home.

Cocktail party time, and everyone is fired up. Des doesn’t think it is fair that Sean gives roses to whiny chicks and complains about it to him. He’s all, oh heck no; you did not just question me like that. Robyn decides to go all Bad Girls Club on Tierra, and the two go outside to fight it out. Tierra lets Robyn know just how dangerous she really is. “I hope you guys are all happy cuz I will bite, I will bite. I’m a Scorpio, I do bite, and my stinger does come out when I’m pissed.” (Side note: Didn’t Blakeley tell us she was a Scorpio on Bachelor Pad before talking about physically harming people? Scorpios seem crazy and dangerous.)


Sean is over all the drams and whines to CH that maybe his wife isn’t in the group after all. CH says he certainly can’t give Sean any relationship advice because he is in the midst of a divorce. (Or something not along those lines at all.) At the rose ceremony, Sean eliminates Robyn, presumably because she wanted to turn the Bachelor into Bad Girls Club. Although, given how slow the past couple of episodes have been, I think that may actually be a welcome change this season.


Turns out that if you do a search for “Bad Girls Club fight,” you will find some pretty great pictures. It was hard to choose just one. Which is why I would like to share another.


Best part of that picture? Definitely the blurred out body.

Sean is back with another episode tonight for some inexplicable reason. Good thing I’m stocked up on wine. Enjoy tonight’s episode, and I’ll be back tomorrow with another recap.

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