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Bachelor Sean Ep. 4: Too much whining, not enough tongue.

Last night’s episode was a snoozefest. In fact, I’m bored just thinking about it. The episode began as usual, with Sean pondering life and love without a shirt. At least one of the members of my viewing party was not impressed.

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The producers decided that after 3 episodes of shirtless shots, it was time to take things up a notch and show us Sean’s boxer briefs.

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Awk.

The date card arrives, and it says — Selma, Let’s turn up the heat. Selma is psyched that she got the date. She wants to take it to the next level and then the next level and then have babies with Sean. Leslie, on the other hand, is devastated that she wasn’t chosen for the date.

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Omg gurl dry your eyes; your time will come soon enough!

Selma puts on her skin- tight workout clothes, and Sean picks her up in a limo. She tries to guess where they are headed and tells him he better hope they aren’t going dancing because she is horrible at dancing with a partner. Then she asks, “Can you handle all 110 pounds of me?” I nearly throw my brownie at the screen at this annoying comment, but unlike someone who weighs 110 pounds, I change my mind and eat the brownie instead. They arrive at the airport and board their private jet.

selma

Selma can’t wait to see what sort of luxurious activity Sean has planned for her. Apparently being told to wear athletic clothes didn’t clue her in to the fact that it wasn’t going to be trip to the opera. Sean can’t wait until Selma realizes they aren’t doing anything glamorous. He’s “an outdoorsy guy,” so he wants to put Selma to the test. They arrive at their destination, and Selma learns they are going to be doing some rock climbing. Selma freaks out because she doesn’t like the heat, and she is getting puffy. Also, in a crazy coincidence,  Selma is terrified of heights! She tells us, “I’m gonna fall. And die.” She’s super miserable about the rock climbing but realizes she needs to act outdoorsy and agreeable so Sean likes her, so she pretends to embrace the rock climbing. They make it to the top, where Sean embraces her and the two main reasons he likes her so much. (Her brain and her heart — duh!)

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Sean comments that “Selma loved everything about today.” Apparently he’s super good at reading people. Then they head to a fake trailer park for cuddle time, where Selma tells Sean how strict her culture is and that her mom would literally have a heart attack if she kissed him on tv. (I don’t know her mom, so this could be a proper use of literally.) Sean tells her he finds it hard to believe that her culture is all that strict since she seems plenty willing to parade around on national television with her boobs out. Or at least that’s what I’m thinking. Sean says he respects that she doesn’t want to kiss him, and they cuddle in awkward silence and talk about how much they wish they could kiss each other.

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Yawn. This no kissing strategy can only backfire in the end.

Time for the group date, and the girls head to the roller derby. Robyn is embarrassed about the possibility of falling on roller skates because she already bit it in front of Sean once before. Remember?

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Amanda decides to tell the girls she has done roller derby before to get in their heads. (Cool strategy.) Sarah is nervous because she only has one arm, so AshLee gives her a pep talk and Sean tells her it’s cool if she wants to sit this one out. She whines about it in her annoying voice, and I want her to make whatever decision will make her the quietest. Amanda’s overconfidence comes back to bite her when she wipes out and smacks her chin on the floor.

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Cry about it. Sean says he is “obviously concerned” about her, but it’s clearly not concerning enough to cue the ambulance sirens, so he sends her off to the hospital with some dude in a car. After the Amanda disaster, Sean decides to turn the rest of the date into a free sk8. More yawns.

sk8r girls

Once they are done sk8ing, they head to the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel for drinks and merriment (which, if you recall, is where Sean took Leslie last week). Amanda returns to the date but has limited jaw mobility. (Cue dirty joke.) She tells us she is “gonna milk the heck out of” her injury because “this didn’t happen for nothing.” Sean kisses her on her jaw to make her feel better, and she is disappointed that he didn’t french her. She then realizes she should have said her tonsils hurt. Amateur.

Tierra loses her sh*t and says “it’s torture” being there, and she can’t take it anymore. She tells the producers she wants to go home and then lurks outside the room where Lindsay and Sean are hanging out. As Chris Harrison said in his blog today, “I’m not sure how Sean and Lindsay didn’t freak out when they walked out of that door to find Tierra crouched in the dark corner like a scary hobo goblin ready to pounce on them.” Tierra freaks the f*ck out and tells Sean she wants to go home. Sean thinks her psychotic hysterics are endearing and gives her the rose to convince her to stay.

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Can’t imagine he will regret that decision later.

Holy moly, batman — it’s time for Leslie’s date! Sean clearly spent some time in CH’s closet picking out his vest for the date.

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Sean takes Leslie to Badgley Mischka, and she tries on a bunch of dresses. It’s totally like Pretty Woman except she’s not a hooker, and Sean is no Richard Gere. Ultimately, she decides on this dress at Sean’s suggestion.

eesh

I meeeean, if that’s not setting her up for failure, I don’t know what is. They head to Neil Lane’s for some jewelry, and she better enjoy this moment because it’s the closest she is getting to a Neil Lane engagement ring on her Bachelor journey.

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Then they head to dinner, and I’m absolutely shocked I didn’t fall asleep. Leslie tells boring stories about her past, and I’m having trouble deciding whether this is a date or a job interview with questions from Sean like, “What lessons have you learned?” Leslie tells him her parents got divorced when she was 5, at which point it’s obvious she’s a goner because Sean only likes girls whose parents are madly in love and still hold hands constantly. Sean picks up the rose to fake Leslie out and then tells her, “Honestly, I just didn’t feel it click today.” Leslie is surprised by this turn of events, but given the fact that Sean didn’t even bother shaving for her date, I think she should have seen this one coming. To add insult to injury, the producers make her take off the necklace before she gets in the limo, as if they couldn’t collect it while they are filming her in the limo. Leslie is pretty broken up about it.

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Sean dramatically drops the rose off a balcony to emphasize that he didn’t give Leslie the rose, and we see the petals are crushed, just like Leslie’s heart.

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Time for the cocktail party. Sean tells AshLee he has missed her and gives her some tongue to drive home the point, but I’m too lazy to take a picture. As we saw in the previews last week, Robyn asks Sean if he wants some chocolate and then gives him the option between actual chocolate and her. He chooses her and gives her a few pecks, which she takes to mean they are in love.

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Tierra pulls Robyn and Jackie aside to apologize for her behavior and gives the least sincere apology in the history of apologies. “I’ve never not liked you. Your bad for assuming that.” (Your bad, not to be confused with you’re bad.) Daniella is wasted as usual. Sean talks to Tierra and says he doesn’t mind reassuring her because he knows she has a good heart and is here for the right reasons. Oh the irony! She continues to hypnotize him with her forehead dent. Catherine gives Sean a piece of paper with her lipstick on it. How romantic. Then she pulls him aside for their first kiss. I could have taken a picture of it, but it was pretty dark on the screen and also I just wanted the episode to be over. I guess the kiss goes well because she gets the first rose at the rose ceremony. Blonde Leslie makes her first appearance of the episode at the rose ceremony, and she is rocking bright pink lipstick and bright blue eye shadow. Yikes. Final two comes down to Drunk Daniella and Amanda. Sean is terrified by what Amanda looks like, so he sends her home. (Or at least I’m assuming that was part of it.)

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Amanda is feeling introspective after her elimination and tells us “heartbreak is such a difficult emotion.” Sure is, girl, sure is.

Next week, we have TWO episodes of Bachelor, and I am PUMPED about it. Until then, have a great week, be careful on roller skates, and remember that dark lipstick isn’t for everyone (or anyone really).


One Comment on “Bachelor Sean Ep. 4: Too much whining, not enough tongue.”

  1. Andrea Leicht says:

    Yet another reason I’m 99.8% sure I could do Chris Harrison’s job: I too referred to Tierra as a creepy lurking goblin last night. We basically have the same brain.


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